The ball is kicked and the roar begins: "Go! Go with it. Move up, blue! Mark your man! Watch the ball! Back her up!"

Suddenly, someone shouts, "It's all your fault!"

Wait a minute. What is this guy thinking, shouting like that at his own kid ... his child's teammate ... other kids ... the referee?

No one paid admission to this soccer match, and I hope he's not gambling on the outcome of his child's game. Why are the stakes so high?

Parents caught in the moment with their mouths wide open, shouting criticism or foul comments with clenched fists, most likely aren't thinking at all. They've lost perspective of the game in a win-at-all-costs world.

In a world of winners and losers, the competitor is lost, too. Competitors mastering the game commit to making themselves better, teammates better and the game better by giving everything they have. Win or lose, they'll do their best to bring the game and themselves to a higher level.

We say that's what we want for our kids, but we don't always model it while on the sidelines. Parents' negative comments and an emphasis on perfection and results alone, versus effort and learning, can kill children's enthusiasm for a sport, not to mention their embarrassment on the field if they hear their parent's ugly comments or see a facial grimace.

Jim Thompson, the author of "Positive Coaching," says that sports are training for life. They are a place to teach character. Success stories built on mistakes and hard work, not comparison with competitors, build a master leader and team player.

Games allow kids to make public mistakes, accept the mistakes, let them go quickly and move to a higher level of play. But winning at all costs creates a culture in which mistakes are feared. Fear-filled kids aren't as teachable as self-confident, excited kids.

Thompson's nonprofit organization, Positive Coaching Alliance, aims to transform the culture of youth sports so sports can transform youth. The organization aims to bring a positive culture back to the game, one coach at a time, using the Double-Goal Coaching Certification program.

Becky George, the recreation coordinator for the city of Salem, is a certified Double Goal Coach, and the city is a member of the Positive Coaching Alliance. She trains coaches in the community, as well as parents. Youth-sports organizers use founding principles of PCA: honoring the game, redefining the winner and filling kids' emotional tanks.

Her suggestions to parents include:

• Before the game, tell your children how proud you are of them regardless of how well they play. Make a commitment to honor the game no matter the actions of others.

• During the game, cheer for both teams when good plays are executed and mention good calls made by officials to other players and parents. Encourage others to honor the game. If you can't keep foul language from flowing out your mouth, try a sucker. It's hard to blow your top when sucking it up.

• After the game, thank coaches and officials for their effort.

• Instead of asking your athlete, "Did you win? How many points did you make?" criticizing coaching decisions, analyzing your child's game or complaining about the referee, ask these questions: "What was the best part of the game for you? What did you learn from the game today? What personal goals can you set for the next game?"

Since the city of Salem has used PCA's training techniques, Becky reports, they've had few if any scary experiences for referees or coaches with angry parents.

Getting back to the game, if they win, they win. But if they lose, they might just learn they have resilience to deal with life's failures and keep on go, go, going!

Jeanine Stice of Salem is the mother of three young sons, has a master's degree in public health and is a registered dietitian. Her column appears every other Monday. Send e-mail to nutritionetc@comcast.net.

Learn more

Coaches training: Offered Sept. 16 by the city of Salem. For information, contact Becky George, recreation coordinator, at (503) 588-6261.
Positive coaching alliance: www.positivecoach.org.

Copyright 2006 Statesman Journal, Salem, Oregon